And, when writing his books for the general public you know as well as I do that if it were written in a scholarly format it would lose most people, and turn them off to the help they wish to find. I invite you to read this article, Creating Passion Once Upon a Honeymoon for further understanding of why Mars Venus material appeals and is effective for a lot of people trying to figure out and increase the health of their relationships on their own.
There is a time and place for which writing style we choose to use based on our target audience. He explains generalities in ways that sits well with people. In no way does his material encourage people to be insular or give them more freedom to be ignorant of the differing needs of their peers, colleagues, close family, or friends.
His material never demeans or claims that his interpretation is the only way to understand or make relationships better. Over and over he says listen to what is right for you, you know your situation, and are ultimately responsible for your actions. If people feel more comfortable receiving treatment from a relationship scientist, then this is where they will go for the information to help their relationships.
It will come down to preference, and where a person feels safe to explore their inner workings. The fallacy can lie in believing only one way is right, or for something to be credible it has to be credentialed. The true test of whether information helps people is determined by how well the information can be internalized and then directly applied to improve their daily quality of life over their lifetime.
I believe both your goal and my goal is ultimately to help people have better relationships. The bottom line is as helping professionals, what are we ALL doing to ensure positive growth in relationships, from the inside-out focusing internally on making our values congruent with our outer world, and then externally in the dynamics of our relationships with others over our lifetime.
I appreciate the discourse you have opened up. Seeing that relationship science is in and of itself a relatively new field of study, and the fact that John Gray has been developing his material for over 20 years and is widely popular cross-culturally in the general public; conducting research in this arena by your research scientists would lend credibility to your cause as well. Try looking at it this way: It is for this reason that I continue to focus mainly on exploring gender differences because it is so sorely missing in the general consciousness of those seeking to improve their relationships.
Your long and unlettered argument relies on obfuscation much too heavily. That is, if one does not become bored and move on to other tasks but perseveres in attempting to understand you, it is not convincing in the slightest. Thank you for concluding with your credentials and verifying what I would have suspected anyways. I can almost hear the jangling of coins in your pocket behind every word.
Yes, you have been paid to defend John Gray and his theories. Your zealotry comes wholesale. I daresay the organically-grown brand of such is higher quality, but it is seldom bought. If we are deficient in any vitamin, it is a tonic of skepticism and evidence-based reasoning that we are in need of, and not the false salves of anecdotal evidence and broad generalizations that have led the public astray in the past and promise no new insights now.
It may be palatable to reinforce sterotypes and lazily reason that things are the way they are because that is how they were meant to be. Nutritionless food tends to be palatable.
In your defense of Dr. You go on to suggest that Dr. Gray is simply communicating research findings in a way that is appealing to laypeople.
In fact, our position is quite the opposite. We fully agree with you that it is important for research findings to have mainstream outlets. Gray were communicating actual research findings, we would applaud his work. Unfortunately, the problem is that Dr. In fact, it contradicts well-established findings on relationship maintenance and relationship well-being.
Rather, many of them have been tested and discredited. Finally, I also feel the need to respond to Dr. Speaking as a relationship scientist myself, I can tell you that it is common practice to test for gender effects in every study my colleagues and I run, and I know the same is true of many others in the field. So, when you come across a relationship study that does not mention gender, it is unlikely that gender effects were not tested for.
It is much more likely that there were no gender effects to report, as has been my experience with most of my own findings. Unfortunately, and in contradiction to established scientific research, the public perception pervades that men and women think, feel, and behave drastically differently in the context of romantic relationships.
This may come from stereotypes, it may result from the media, or it may even be the work of self-help book writers such as Dr. But I can tell you one thing about this belief: First of all, I would like to thank Samantha Joel for a well-articulated argument regarding the scientific literature on gender and relationships.
I would also like to add that, if one is going to condone using phrases such as "gender intelligence", one might want to be careful how they are defining intelligence; the general public believing that men and women are vastly different certainly doesn't equate with intelligence. In fact, the only thing it equates with is the aforementioned availability of information e.
John Gray's mass-produced self-help books versus an empirically backed scientific article pointing to contrary evidence. Furthermore, I implore that you use a more relevant example. I don't think it makes much logical sense to compare the body's need for various vitamins to the behaviors exhibited by men and women. You are assuming that they both have the same fundamental basic make-up, which they do not, thereby ruining your argument from the beginning. Allow me to illustrate: You say that "all vitamins are important to the body's health but if one vitamin is overlooked and we are deficient in it, then certainly it becomes the most important vitamin.
By putting forth your "gender intelligence" you are only propagating this deficiency because you're allowing an outlet for people to, let say, chalk it up to differences. Don't you think it would be more fruitful to focus on getting a more balanced intake of vitamins and minerals than isolating yourself to the one causing your deficiency?
If I get into an argument with my spouse, I have less motivation to effectively solve the problem because, well, he's a man and is thus "different" from me. Gray, if you insist upon continuing your endeavor to back-track, despite the amass of scientific literature available to YOU, then I simply ask that you discriminate yourself from the scientific community so as not to confuse the general public and question their so-called "intelligence. I think we need to be very careful when using clients as our basis for facts and credibility.
Gray specifically set up credible research studies with his clients and published these findings? Have these findings been peer reviewed? Have his results been replicated in future studies by other professionals? Gray has observed characteristics he finds to be true within his office, his sessions, and within society.
That's perfectly fine and there's nothing wrong with that. We do it every day as individuals in a variety of capacities. He has an opinion on a subject he sees in his office often. However, an opinion is not science. An opinion that fuels theory and books is not science. Shouldn't the scientific research come before the books?
Is it me or did Mars Venus Coaching just ask the opposing researchers to test their theories for them? The opposing researchers found different results and the responsibility of defending Gray's theories is on him, not the opposing researchers.
Gray's books are popular, but not science. They're enjoyable to read for many, but not science. They help a great number of people gain insight into their relationship and communication patterns, but not science. It's a self-help book that many relate to, but not science. If the books were science-based, I'd love to read the studies. I hope that Lyndsay Katauskas and Mars Venus Coaching decide to pursue studies to test their theories.
It's wonderful for the scientific community to challenge each other and continue these important social discussions. Thank you for the comments; I take them all to heart. My intention before I write or say something is to assume goodwill. I seek truth, congruency, and mutual respect when interacting with others.
When I asked my original question, I was pondering the intention behind publishing an article about casual sex with ulterior motives where people reading the article would find justification in continuing to have relationships lacking emotional depth and maturity. As helping professionals we have an ethical responsibility to be fully present for our clients, and to be able to hear them without prejudice or believing the fallacy that we know better than they do what is right for them.
This is not based on a religious belief, but a spiritual value I hold of coming from a place of unconditional love, and hoping others do the same. Women who are looking for a discreet casual encounter have boyfriends or husbands. They are not looking to date or start new relationship; they just want an nsa casual encounter hookup. All my life I've always been "The Good Girl.
My body looks great and I feel better than I have about it in years. And I want to be able to say that I had some kind of fun for once in my life. The beauty of it is that I have no emotional attachment, and that all I want is a wonderful romp. He Loves Me Not What the latest research says about the benefits and risks of growing close.
How the small things we do for our partners could be harming our relationships. Back Find a Therapist. Lessons You Won't Learn In School Here are 10 skills that will clarify your visions and bring you closer to your life goals. Why Do We Flirt by Text? Menopause and Your Sleep Cycle. Are You a Beautiful Questioner? The Call of the Unknown.
Follow me on Twitter. Friend me on Faceook. Women and casual sex, the latest research. This explains why women seem to avoid virgins Buddy that is huh Submitted by Neesie on June 14, - 9: It really bothers you that Submitted by Anonymous on June 14, - 2: Pleasure can be many things Submitted by Shanik on June 14, - 1: Submitted by Bjarne Holmes Ph.
Hi Dr Holmes While I find the insight in your blog impressive as you describe the casual sex aspects of my sex life exactly I do think you are dismissing John Gray way too soon. Submitted by Anonymous on July 7, - Professor Holmes, I agree that gender differences are not the biggest area for people to focus upon when dealing with relational issues.
Below is what John Gray, Ph. That's not what the evidence says Submitted by Anonymous on July 14, - 2: Katauskas, With all due respect, your argument seriously conflates readability with scientific accuracy. Relationships need more than vitamins Submitted by Nicole Atkins on July 14, - 4: Hernando Chaves on July 14, - 6: All the responses I got from real people on my first day weren't from women — they were from men.
I made it very clear in my post that I was only interested in women, but a large number of men chose to ignore that. They all offered oral sex. I responded to them politely, saying, "Just interested in women, but thanks for the offer!
Have a good one. I began to suspect that no women actually used the site. The stereotype is that women are interested in relationships, and that only men would be interested in totally casual sex, right? We know that's not true, though. In fact, I was inspired to write this article when a friend told me many of her female friends had owned up to using it. Over the next couple of days, I actually received a lot of posts from women.
Or at least, they said they were women. To be honest, I doubted the veracity of the claims. It didn't take long to realize that almost all the replies I received were scams. The situation is so severe on Craigslist Casual Encounters that posts by real women who are actually seeking hook-ups are often flagged for removal at the slightest cause for suspicion.
The most common scams are "safe dating" websites. An alleged woman will write a man saying she's interested, but that because of the Craigslist-based serial killers and rapists in the news, she needs some extra assurance that it's safe. If you follow the link she provides, the website asks you for your credit card number — y'know, so it can do a background check to make sure you're not a criminal. One individual tried to get me to buy him or her virtual currency in online games like MapleStory before agreeing to hand over contact information.
Yeah, right — moving on! What little luck I'd had so far. The week was half over and I hadn't had a single bite. I decided I would have to take the initiative, so in addition to posting my own ads, I started responding to every ad from any woman who seemed at all interesting. I cast a wide net in my searches, looking up posts by straight or bisexual women between the ages of 18 and 35 who lived anywhere in Chicagoland — a large metropolitan area that's home to close to five million females.
Most of the women wanted something very specific they couldn't find in their normal lives: Someone to help play out a particular fantasy, someone vastly older than them or someone of another race. Very few of the women who were advertising seemed to be looking for anything I would consider a "normal encounter. I typically wrote two or three paragraph replies and matched the tone of their own messages, then attached a couple of tasteful photos of myself. I didn't get a single reply from an actual prospect this way.
It turned out that most of the ads were fakes from scammers, and quite a few fell into another category all together.
Prostitution is what made Craigslist controversial. There's technically another section for that — "Adult Services," formerly "Erotic Services" — but that's not the only place you'll find practitioners of the world's oldest profession.
The prostitutes of Craigslist speak in code, but it's not a difficult one to learn. They advertise "French lessons" — an odd thing to advertise under "Casual Encounters," don't you think? Well, it's obviously a euphemism for something else. Many of the ads that weren't from scammers were from prostitutes. The ads are so obvious that it's surprising the euphemisms are effective in fending off law enforcement.
Then again, maybe they are law enforcement. Amidst all those failures, I had one near-success. A woman wrote in response to my sweet "cuddling first" ad saying she was in town for only a couple of months, and that she was frustrated she couldn't find a relationship. When she sent her pictures, she looked plain but attractive.
We exchanged a couple of e-mails over the course of two hours, tossing back and forth lists of interests and the like. She made it clear that she wanted to meet up, and while she talked about starting slow, it was clear that it would indeed be a casual encounter. But when I suggested a time to meet — the last message from me before I would reveal myself and back out — there was no reply.
At least, not yet. The next day, she e-mailed me saying she was deeply apologetic and that she'd fallen asleep. She said she'd like to meet up sometime.
So yes, there are women on Craigslist. Well, at least one! You've probably guessed by now that the experiences for heterosexual men and women on Craigslist's casual encounters are quite different. I observed that for every ad a woman posts, there are at least 20 from men. If nothing else, that imbalance ought to alter the experience.
To get the female perspective, I did two things: I posted a fake ad as a woman to see what kinds of responses I would get, and I interviewed two women who have had success hooking up on casual encounters in the past.
As for potential suitors, I asked only that they supply a photo and "be attractive and not creepy. There was a five minute delay before my ad appeared, then I started receiving about one response per minute. Most of them were careful to say "I don't do this often. Some sent pictures of themselves naked along with the word "Hi...
Casual sex is sexual activity that takes places outside a romantic relationship and implies an absence of commitment, emotional attachment, or familiarity between sexual partners.
Attitudes to casual sex range from conservative and religious views, the extreme of which may result in imprisonment or even capital punishment for sexual relations outside heterosexual marriage, to liberal or libertarian views, the extreme of which is free love. In the United States, in the s, " petting parties ", where petting "making out" or foreplay was the main attraction, became a popular part of the flapper lifestyle. This allowed for casual hookups to become a more common occurrence in the teen and young adult dating experience.
The emerging movie industry furthered progress in the rebellion against Victorian era morals because films started depicting women owning their sexuality, a trend that has continued into current cinema. During the sexual revolution in the United States and Europe in the s and s, social attitudes to sexual issues underwent considerable changes. The advent of "the pill" and other forms of birth control , the Women's Liberation movement, and the legalization of abortion in many countries are believed to have led to a wider practice of casual sex.
Younger generations are encouraged by their elders to only engage in sexual activity only if it is within the bounds of marriage and is for procreative purposes. Most religions disapprove of sex outside marriage see religion and sexuality , and the consequences range from very serious to none. Also, marriage is defined in quite different ways in different cultures, for example, with "short-term marriage" see Nikah mut'ah a cover for prostitution, or polygamy.
Swingers in the lifestyle engage in casual sex with others for a variety of reasons. For many, an advantage is the increased quality, quantity and frequency of sex. Swingers who engage in casual sex maintain that sex among swingers is often more frank and deliberative and therefore more honest than infidelity.
Some couples see swinging as a healthy outlet and a means to strengthen their relationship. Others regard such activities as merely social and recreational interaction with others. Most young adults in this age group believe that their peers are having a higher frequency of casual sex than they actually are, and this is due to vocabulary choice.
For example, using the term "hookup" denotes that the sexual activity, whether it is vaginal sex, oral sex, or sexual touching, is casual and between unfamiliar partners. The legality of adultery and prostitution varies around the world. In some countries there are laws which prohibit or restrict casual sex. Research suggests that as many as two-thirds to three-quarters of American students have casual sex at least once during college.
The majority of hookups happen at parties. Other common casual sex venues are dorms, frat houses, bars, dance clubs, cars, and in public places or wherever is available at the time. Collegiate holidays and vacations, especially spring breaks, are times when undergraduates are more likely to purposely seek out casual sexual encounters and experiment with risky behaviors.
Overall, there was a perception that sexual norms are far more permissive on spring break vacation than at home, providing an atmosphere of greater sexual freedom and the opportunity for engaging in new sexual experiences. A one-night stand is a single sexual encounter between individuals, where at least one of the parties has no immediate intention or expectation of establishing a longer-term sexual or romantic relationship. Anonymous sex is a form of one-night stand or casual sex between people who have very little or no history with each other, often engaging in sexual activity on the same day of their meeting and usually never seeing each other again afterwards.
They are not in an exclusive romantic relationship , and probably never will be. Recreational or social sex refers to sexual activities that focus on sexual pleasure without a romantic emotional aspect or commitment.
Recreational sex can take place in a number of contexts: A "hookup" colloquial American English is a casual sexual encounter involving physical pleasure without necessarily including emotional bonding or long-term commitment; it can range from kissing for example, making out to other sexual activities. Hooking up became a widespread practice among young people in the s and s. Researchers say that what differentiates hooking up from casual sex in previous generations of young people is the "virtual disappearance" of dating, which had been dominant from the postwar period onwards.
Today, researchers say, casual sex rather than dating is the primary path for young people into a relationship. Black and Latino students are less likely to hook up, as are evangelical Christian students and working-class students. Data on gay and lesbian students show mixed results, as some research shows that they engage in hookups at the same rate as heterosexual students, while others suggest that it occurs less due to college parties not always being gay-friendly, as most hookups occur at such gatherings.
A study of hookup culture at the University of Iowa found that waiting to have sex does not contribute to a stronger future relationship. Instead, the study found that what mattered most was the goal individuals had going into a relationship.
Individuals who started by hooking up tended to develop a full relationship later, if that was their goal going in. Many specialist online dating services or other websites, known as "adult personals" or "adult matching" sites, cater to people looking for a purely sexual relationship without emotional attachments.
Tinder is a free smartphone dating app that boasts over 10 million daily users, making it the most popular dating app for iOS and Android.
If both users swipe right on one another, they are a match, and messaging can be initiated between parties. This app is used for a variety of reasons, one of which is casual hookups. Men are more likely than women to use Tinder to seek out casual sexual encounters.
Despite this, there is social concern as some believe that the app encourages hookups between users. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. For the film, see Casual Sex? The prostitutes of Craigslist speak in code, but it's not a difficult one to learn. They advertise "French lessons" — an odd thing to advertise under "Casual Encounters," don't you think? Well, it's obviously a euphemism for something else.
Many of the ads that weren't from scammers were from prostitutes. The ads are so obvious that it's surprising the euphemisms are effective in fending off law enforcement. Then again, maybe they are law enforcement. Amidst all those failures, I had one near-success. A woman wrote in response to my sweet "cuddling first" ad saying she was in town for only a couple of months, and that she was frustrated she couldn't find a relationship.
When she sent her pictures, she looked plain but attractive. We exchanged a couple of e-mails over the course of two hours, tossing back and forth lists of interests and the like. She made it clear that she wanted to meet up, and while she talked about starting slow, it was clear that it would indeed be a casual encounter. But when I suggested a time to meet — the last message from me before I would reveal myself and back out — there was no reply.
At least, not yet. The next day, she e-mailed me saying she was deeply apologetic and that she'd fallen asleep. She said she'd like to meet up sometime. So yes, there are women on Craigslist. Well, at least one! You've probably guessed by now that the experiences for heterosexual men and women on Craigslist's casual encounters are quite different. I observed that for every ad a woman posts, there are at least 20 from men.
If nothing else, that imbalance ought to alter the experience. To get the female perspective, I did two things: I posted a fake ad as a woman to see what kinds of responses I would get, and I interviewed two women who have had success hooking up on casual encounters in the past. As for potential suitors, I asked only that they supply a photo and "be attractive and not creepy.
There was a five minute delay before my ad appeared, then I started receiving about one response per minute. Most of them were careful to say "I don't do this often.
Some sent pictures of themselves naked along with the word "Hi. There were a lot of expressions of sympathy over my fake breakup. I was hearing from men of all types, and it seemed I had my pick of the litter. After about thirty minutes, though, my post was flagged for removal. I thought I'd made it look legit, but as we learned earlier, folks have good reason to be hawkish about scammers.
After the end of my test run with Craigslist casual encounters, I decided to get more insight into the female experience with the site by interviewing two women who said they had successes meeting up with men on Casual Encounters.
Their problem was the opposite of mine. They had too many options to pick from, but they both dealt with the numerous choices in the same way. Both women ultimately responded to men who they felt put effort into writing long, personal messages as opposed to quick notes. Multiple paragraphs of insightful and relatable prose won out — but only after the initial test of physical appearance.
Both said they immediately eliminated men who opened with pictures of genitalia — a very common practice. However, looks were important. One of the women I interviewed said she once had a crush on a client at her job, but couldn't make a move without compromising her professionalism. However, she was looking through Casual Encounters and saw an ad from a man, and she recognized his writing style — it was her old client! She sent him a message to see if it was him, asking a question only he would be able to answer.
He proved his identity and they ended up hooking up. One of the women said she would go to Casual Encounters when she was looking for a very specific sexual experience — something you can't always count on from a one night stand that starts at a club or bar. The other said her reasons could be summed up as "curiosity, boredom, and convenience. The trick is to keep an open mind and not have any real expectations. At the very least, it's mildly entertaining. After all this exploration, I'll say that Craigslist casual encounters is a place where people go to find very specific things from each other that they might not be able to conveniently locate in the real world.
Some of those things are very alternative. It's a last, best hope for some people who are looking to make a personal connection, but it's full of spam, unwanted attention, crime, and, well You might not find what you're looking for, but you're sure to find something interesting regardless.
Image courtesy of iStockphoto , nights , geotrac. Samuel Axon is a digital content producer in New York City. He has worked as an editor at Engadget, Mashable and the Joystiq network, and currently leads content strategy as Editorial Director at Sprout Social. We're using cookies to improve your experience. Click Here to find out more. Entertainment Like Follow Follow. The Experiment I began with a listing announcing myself to the women of my city. Barking Up the Wrong Tree All the responses I got from real people on my first day weren't from women — they were from men.