The husband might help matters by helping with the baby as much as he can. Do things to help his wife get in the mood. Maintaining relationships is sometimes about work! And, if it was just jacking off to porn, I think the advice would have been a lot different.
I would have told the LW to let it go unless it seems to be some sort of addiction. I would also tell her to work on some of the closeness and sexuality that might be waining between them. But, secretively hiding his phone? They are ads where people set up sexual meetings.! I guess I did fill in a lot of blanks here. My hunch is that there is something else going on.
Or just thought that she would. God knows the world is filled with women RAILING about the evils of porn and how its emotional cheating and all sorts of other assorted b. Seriously, the baby is ONLY three months old.
Are you even supposed to be having sex again at that point? ALL the more reason he may be jerking off to Craigslist and not even bothering to tell her about it… Seriously. I think its unreasonable for you to expect a woman who is only three months post-partum to have turned back on her sexuality.
Frankly, I agree with you that most commenters seem a little quick to write the guy off as a cheater. Kim October 31, , On the new mother thing, I feel I can weigh in as a new mother. Second, if you are breastfeeding, your body releases hormones that reduce your sex drive to keep you from procreating before you are ready.
These two things can combine to make it not that interesting to the woman to have sex or even other forms of playtime after having a baby. And as the woman in that situation, it can be just as frustrating for us because I like being a sexual person. And having that taken away for a few months was not great for me either. Then this combines with the fact that you are super busy, sleep deprived, and taking care of another persons needs the entire day and makes it hard to want to take care of another persons i.
Having said that, I have no problem with my husband looking at porn and entertaining himself. Also, my husband and I worked out an arrangement where we would both try to help meet eachothers needs post baby — his sexual, mine not.
I make an extra effort for him and he makes an extra effort for me, and we are both happy. The first few months are mostly just trying to survive with the new baby, and it was around the 3 month mark that we were able to start carving out extra time to make sure both our needs were being met.
And really, months in the course of a long-term relationship is not a huge deal to put your needs on the backburner until things settle down. And I would expect my husband to discuss with me if his needs were not being met before overstepping any boundaries we had placed on our relationship. For us — those boundaries include porn being okay, but contacting actual human beings as not okay. Oh — and on the actual letter, the only thing that really bothers me is that he was being secretive about it.
I do know some women are against their spouse looking at porn, and if that was the boundary they agreed upon, he should refrain from looking at it. SixtyFour October 31, , 1: Uh, because they just pushed a human being out of them, forgive them for not being up for putting a penis back inside them every damn day. Becuase they gained weight during pregancy and are having trouble seeing themselves as attractive anymore. He should have communicated his frustrations to her.
BecBoo84 November 1, , Wish I could like this x BGM, take a minute to think about the fact that for however long a mother breastfeeds, she has to get up with the baby every single time it wakes up during the night. And during those first three months, babies wake up a lot at night to eat, typically every 3ish hours or less , and nursing can taken anywhere from 30 minutes and longer for a lot of moms.
Not because he was looking to hook up or unhappy with me but because he was amazed at what was on there he said it was free porn.
Of course the difference is he would tell me about the stuff he saw and would actually show some of it to me. I think the LW should definitely ask her husband about it. It may just be easy access to some free porn. The fact that they have two very small children may also account for some of his actions. SarahKat October 31, , Your husband is looking at them to either troll for strange or get off on thinking about trolling for strange. Either way, red red red flaggy.
Its a place where you find people to sleep with. Its a train station to sexy time. Uh, you can totally use it as porn though. Sadly, they are FEW and far between and this actually would account for scrolling through pages and pages of them… Many ads — usually the MEH ones are reposted ad nauseum… so it can take one a while to find a good one….
CatsMeow October 31, , I pretty much have only browsed the m4m casual encounters. And sure, I can see how browsing those is porn-like. But the straight ones are SOOO boring. In fact, I just looked at the w4m just now! Sure he can use craigslist to fantasize…. That is literally the only reason he would choose that over actual porn.
There is real porn of all shapes and sizes he could be looking at instead. One porn two porn red porn blue porn. On Craigslist the last thing I wanna see is pictures… Why? Hell, even most of those on there that do email people have no real intention of ever really hooking up. Write Dan Savage and see what he has to say.
People do meet there and do have illicit affair… But truthfully? Those people are the exception — rather than the rule. SarahKat October 31, , 1: Which, whether he is a craigslist flake or not, is not good for a married man to want. I just love the idea of cheating on you and look for opportunities to think about cheating on the wife of my two children more. As long as you are just wishing you could cheat on me as opposed to actually doing it of which I have no proof that you did not then our marriage is totally fine.
Troll for sex away! No such emails have been discovered, just an internet history that shows him perusing these ads. Fantasizing about hookups, and using ads to inform those fantasies, are still nothing more than daydreams. I just think that I would not be ok with my partner needing to have the rush of actually meeting someone is he so chooses to get off. But I think we want the same thing, we want the LW to talk to her husband about it and figure out what he uses casual encounters for and why he needs that instead of actual porn.
Not to mention gaps in reading comprehension. First, there is no proof, or even an allegation made by the LW that her husband is answering ads on Craigslist.
Second, nowhere do I say it is the fact that we are SO close to doing the act that is the turn on. Hell, I never even contact anybody… Honestly, where did you even get that from. Seriously, does anybody on here know of a single women who has actually posted in the casual encounters section on craigslist? Yet alone followed through and banged some random she mets there? You can tell most of the people posting the ads on Craigslist are FLAKES just by the sheer repeats one encounters making return visits.
You will often again and again see the same ad over and over and over. Such as blowing some random, nameless, hot guy in an alley. But… in real life? Possible murder by some psychopath! Yeah, lots of things hold me back.
Possible murder by a psychopath! Never seeing his kids other than weekends! Especially since there is ZERO evidence of any damning emails. You all make lousy detectives — the lot of you — even Wendy. Everybody has sexual fantasies about other people. ElevenSeven October 31, , 6: I know three women who do this. Trixy Minx October 31, , 7: Alicia September 26, , 1: It looks so tempting so moist so good.
Now, one of two things happens. You fill up on steak and go home dreaming about that piece of cake you never got. Is that dark chocolate in the middle? You hate dark chocolate! The fantasy of what could be is the excitement.
I totally understand it. Some of the hottest things on CL are the well thought out ads. Sure, someone could post a dirty photo and their cell number saying to meet them at the seediest dirtiest motel. But the ads where someone sat down, has a brain, thought out what they want and published the words of an arousing scenario.
Those are the ones that get the heart racing. GatorGirl October 31, , 1: I have to agree with BGM on this one. There is a chance that he is just using the ads for his spank bank. Some men prefer audio, some text, some video, heck even some cartoons for their alone time. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences, even if they make no sense to other people.
I do think that the fact he is being so secretive about his phone habits is a red flag though. Going out of your way to hide your phone from your partner makes me skeptical that he is only using the ads for self gratification and may or may not be meeting up with people. The appeal of craigslist is not that its words, is that its real people asking for real sex. Nevermind the extra added bonys stimulation of Craigslist or — God forbid! BGM the next time you accuse women of giving other women the benefit of the doubt and always blaming the guy….
As if most women would be just thrilled to learn that their husband is innocently jacking off to ads on Craigslist. Especially when they are insanely hormonal because they just gave a baby. Gee… why ever would he simply not want her to know about this… Gee, I wonder. Is there truly no such thing as privacy in most straight relationships? Well, wowee, no wonder so many of them FAIL!
His fantasy life is his fantasy life. God knows I have mine… End of story. There should be a balance, no? Neither gender should get do or demand whatever what they want while the other just has to suck it up and deal. My husband and I are both open about porn, fantasies, etc. Same goes for my fantasy time and privacy. The LW just needs to have a conversation with her husband about this. Yes, I think this discussion at least in my mind has strayed a bit from the initial letter to a more general discussion about men and women in relationships together.
Then we could both move on. If he theoretically is unwilling to do that, well, that would be his bad. If she had just found them because she was snooping with no reason, then that would be her own damn fault. An elegant solution, perhaps, but it could be innocent. I agree that the general consensus is taking it too far, but I also think that BGM is taking it too far the other way. He could be cheating or he could be just whacking off. This is all your fault! Eh, we just see this issue differently.
I see reading Craigslist ads and hiding the phone to be independent of each other. If he was hiding it from me I would be concerned. Being secretive is the red flag to me, not the materials he is reading. Especially, if its all just fantasy. How does that help her? I mean, hey, if he also has a sexual fantasy about the barista down at Starbucks, does he need to tell her about that, too. After he reassures her, the matter should be closed and he gets his privacy back. Its a balancing act, where both partners get their needs met, whether those needs are sexual or emotional.
Now that she is concerned. They definitely need to talk about it. Frankly, the fact that so many not you Ele4phant on here — Wendy included — have so casually and so quickly suggested to a hormonal, sleep deprived woman that — yes! GatorGirl October 31, , 3: You really honestly would not have a similar reaction if a person you were in a relationship suddently started hiding their phone from you?
So I am definitely the wrong person to ask on this. Also, I am not blaming the wife here. And yeah, by all means lets have a conversation about it. Like the other day I wanted to look up something his FB friend posted that he told me about, so I just picked it up and looked up the friend. In the same car ride he asked me to pull up his e-mail account and find a specific one. The only thing I would ever hide from him is say a gift. Being broke and unhappy somehow surprisingly limits those that want to date you.
The good ones are all paired off. And now with all this gay rights nonsense getting legally married and having kids. Plus, I hated cellphones at first. I was never that insecure. Well, not about that, anyway…. To use the classic example: Lindsay October 31, , Cheating spouses are not exactly the most honest people.
SuzyQ October 31, , But I will now! I need a chuckle. Amber October 31, , 3: Kim November 1, , Kat October 10, , Hi I wante to warn all wives out there that men go on Craigslist casual encounters to cheat point blank. I am single and I went on there a few times just to see what it wa like out of curiosity. Well let me tell you…within minutes I got response from many men.
Most of which were married. One guy I did meet up with in a safe public place and did follow through with my encounter. He seemed legit but I found out in the end he was in a relationship with someone and said it just happend. Yeah whatever we know the story. Needless to say I totally am not interested in going on Craigslist anymore.
Get a clue ladies and it is a red flag when your husband is on there. No matter what, all I hear is denial. Most men are pigs. Defiant 1 January 28, , Well ladies my gf caught one add in my phone I looked at. Totally wrong for me to look. Our baby is due in a month just lost my family.
Stay true even looking is wrong. Stephi3 March 28, , 6: I got worried after my boyfriend kept hiding his phone from my view always putting it on his chest when I would walk in the room or take it everywhere he went even if it was to get a drink. Well, it's obviously a euphemism for something else. Many of the ads that weren't from scammers were from prostitutes. The ads are so obvious that it's surprising the euphemisms are effective in fending off law enforcement.
Then again, maybe they are law enforcement. Amidst all those failures, I had one near-success. A woman wrote in response to my sweet "cuddling first" ad saying she was in town for only a couple of months, and that she was frustrated she couldn't find a relationship. When she sent her pictures, she looked plain but attractive.
We exchanged a couple of e-mails over the course of two hours, tossing back and forth lists of interests and the like. She made it clear that she wanted to meet up, and while she talked about starting slow, it was clear that it would indeed be a casual encounter. But when I suggested a time to meet — the last message from me before I would reveal myself and back out — there was no reply.
At least, not yet. The next day, she e-mailed me saying she was deeply apologetic and that she'd fallen asleep. She said she'd like to meet up sometime. So yes, there are women on Craigslist.
Well, at least one! You've probably guessed by now that the experiences for heterosexual men and women on Craigslist's casual encounters are quite different. I observed that for every ad a woman posts, there are at least 20 from men. If nothing else, that imbalance ought to alter the experience. To get the female perspective, I did two things: I posted a fake ad as a woman to see what kinds of responses I would get, and I interviewed two women who have had success hooking up on casual encounters in the past.
As for potential suitors, I asked only that they supply a photo and "be attractive and not creepy. There was a five minute delay before my ad appeared, then I started receiving about one response per minute. Most of them were careful to say "I don't do this often. Some sent pictures of themselves naked along with the word "Hi. There were a lot of expressions of sympathy over my fake breakup.
I was hearing from men of all types, and it seemed I had my pick of the litter. After about thirty minutes, though, my post was flagged for removal. I thought I'd made it look legit, but as we learned earlier, folks have good reason to be hawkish about scammers. After the end of my test run with Craigslist casual encounters, I decided to get more insight into the female experience with the site by interviewing two women who said they had successes meeting up with men on Casual Encounters.
Their problem was the opposite of mine. They had too many options to pick from, but they both dealt with the numerous choices in the same way. Both women ultimately responded to men who they felt put effort into writing long, personal messages as opposed to quick notes.
Multiple paragraphs of insightful and relatable prose won out — but only after the initial test of physical appearance.
Both said they immediately eliminated men who opened with pictures of genitalia — a very common practice. However, looks were important. One of the women I interviewed said she once had a crush on a client at her job, but couldn't make a move without compromising her professionalism.
However, she was looking through Casual Encounters and saw an ad from a man, and she recognized his writing style — it was her old client! She sent him a message to see if it was him, asking a question only he would be able to answer. He proved his identity and they ended up hooking up. One of the women said she would go to Casual Encounters when she was looking for a very specific sexual experience — something you can't always count on from a one night stand that starts at a club or bar.
The other said her reasons could be summed up as "curiosity, boredom, and convenience. The trick is to keep an open mind and not have any real expectations. At the very least, it's mildly entertaining. After all this exploration, I'll say that Craigslist casual encounters is a place where people go to find very specific things from each other that they might not be able to conveniently locate in the real world. Some of those things are very alternative. It's a last, best hope for some people who are looking to make a personal connection, but it's full of spam, unwanted attention, crime, and, well You might not find what you're looking for, but you're sure to find something interesting regardless.
Image courtesy of iStockphoto , nights , geotrac. Samuel Axon is a digital content producer in New York City. He has worked as an editor at Engadget, Mashable and the Joystiq network, and currently leads content strategy as Editorial Director at Sprout Social. We're using cookies to improve your experience. Click Here to find out more. Entertainment Like Follow Follow. The Experiment I began with a listing announcing myself to the women of my city. Barking Up the Wrong Tree All the responses I got from real people on my first day weren't from women — they were from men.
But where were they? I was only getting messages from gay or bisexual men!... 13 Jan Our victim was looking for sex partners and got a couple (a guy and a girl) to come The victim said that he hired the escort because he wanted So remember, if you respond to a personal ad on Craigslist for a sex partner. 23 Mar The closure of Craigslist's personals section comes after a bill was approved in the “To the millions of spouses, partners, and couples who met through ad site Backpage, was arrested on charges related to sex trafficking. 3 Aug I decided to dive into Craigslist's "Casual Encounters" — a section Over the next couple of days, I actually received a lot of posts from women. I should admit that I had no intention to actually hook up with someone, should the opportunity arise, if for no other reason than it would be inappropriate and manipulative to an unwitting partner to do so and write about it. Cheating spouses are not exactly the most honest people. Trolling the internet for kicks is not the solution and he should be ashamed of keeping this a secret and not opening up free aussie sex backpage transexual Melbourne his wife when he has issues. ALL the more reason he may be jerking off to Craigslist and not even bothering to tell her about it… Seriously. First up is a 23 year old from Minneapolis. More than likely, it's not the type of experience she "craigslist causual encounters escort couple" to have just so she can share the story at the watercooler with her fisting-enthusiast co-workers. Its a balancing act, where both partners get their needs met, whether those needs are sexual or emotional.